How Do I Help Someone Make Change?

  

It’s been almost a year since we launched The Happy Doc, and something keeps coming up in the back of my mind. It involves how I interact with colleagues, patients, friends, family, and the general public. Communication. I’ve learned some things, and it is something I am still working on everyday. Here’s the thing: “How do I communicate with someone to get them out of their comfort zone to enact change?”

 

Yeah, I know, there I go with those “C” word concepts again. I am working on how to get my thoughts and ideas out in more bite sized pieces, when appropriate. Why? Because this is the day and age we live in: social media, 24 hour news and sports cycles, short attention spans and multiple distractions.  The comedian and actor Aziz Ansari wrote a book about Modern Romance, did a whole bit on miscommunication with phone texts, social media, and how it dilutes the true beauty of human-human connection. There is a lot of visual and auditory noise. I am guilty of succumbing to it at times myself, I admit it. We get stuck in inertia.

  

Why do we do this? Because it’s easy. It’s easy to be passive, and remain comfortable in our complacency and not change. Humans are creatures of habit, and resistant to change, especially when the change can be perceived as impossible, too difficult, unrealistic, or uncomfortable. We tend to eat the same foods, sit in the same seat in class, read the same genre of books, watch the same types of TV shows or movies, hang out with the same friends, go to the same places, listen to the same genres of music, and continue the same habits we have done our entire life, until some major life altering event enacts that change. For me, my life altering event was sitting in a hospital room with a perinatologist communicating a bleak diagnosis for my son. That was the life changing moment that got me out of my comfort zone to better communicate with the general and medical public about a misunderstood condition.

  

This goes back to the art and science of communication – poor vs effective communication. It’s something I have been still trying to figure out to this day. If you ask anyone that knows me well, they will say, yeah, Neel will go on and on and doesn’t know when to shut his pie hole. Obviously, a skill I need to learn is to be more concise and an ability to read between the lines, i.e., what someone is asking me for in an effective manner, and one that matters to them. I’ve said this often to Taylor, and to myself: I really wish people would give me this disclaimer—it would make life a lot easier:

It’s like someone who comes to me and wants to quit smoking or lose weight. How I communicate with them will go a long way towards getting them to their desired goals. I could lecture them on how smoking is not helping their COPD any or their weight is worsening their arthritis, but how effective is that? Not much. They know it’s not good for them, and they know all the risks of having these unhealthy habits. Which is why the first question we ask is, are you ready to change (quit smoking, diet, exercise, lifestyle choices, etc…). If they say yes, OK, then we can collaborate and come together for a plan we both can get excited about. And there will be setbacks, but that is OK, it’s to be expected, because nothing life changing and worth doing is ever easy. The main thing is to just stick with it, no matter what, and not get discouraged.

  

There is also a popular quote,  “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” This is so true, because someone’s actions tell you what they think of your advice and communication. If someone is making an effort to be part of your life, and taking your advice, they will make the effort to reach out and connect with you on updates and feedback on their progress, good or bad. If their actions show they aren’t, it’s like they say in dating: “Dude, they’re just not into you.” Let it go and move on. You’re wasting your time and energy. I have two insights from this.

  

My first takeaway: If you really want to get people out of their comfort zones to change, learn to communicate in their appropriate context.

  

If someone isn’t into your message, find someone who is and may find value in what you have to offer and say. And in doing so, your actions and living your truth communicates to others who you are and may even inspire those doubters, cynics, and skeptics of what you have been saying and doing for years (no promises though). I still get the desire to offer advice though, but it’s like the advice my mother always offered me growing up: “I can only lead the horse to the water. But I can’t make it drink.” (Yeah, and I added to that: then if the horse doesn’t drink,  you have a dead horse. Do you really want a dead horse??! Dead horse? Great job!)

  

A second takeaway: Just learn to read actions between the lines, and clarify what someone is asking for when they are asking you for advice (if they actually are asking for it).

  

And if you give advice, understand that people are difficult to change, it’s a process, and to not get frustrated. And when you do get those who do change for the better, it is highly rewarding and beneficial for all involved. It’s worth it, and reminds us of why we do what we do as health professionals and our service to one another as human beings. And definitely, practice gratitude. Not just with our recent week of Thanksgiving, but daily.

  

Speaking of which, thank you so much for reading and all your support. Have a great Thanksgiving!