The Podfather Chronicles – Chapter 5: Assistance vs. Resistance

by Neel Desai, M.D.

The Happy Doc Daily Podcast Episode 96

The Playbook Podcast with David Meltzer:  How To Make A Billion People Happy

The Happy Doc Podfather Playlist

Do you ever feel alone in your own home? 

Something we talk about often on The Happy Doc is creativity, and the act of creation. In creating new endeavors -whether it be a podcast, a blog, a vlog, a YouTube channel or something like a side business — we are creating new versions of ourselves. For each of us personally, this could lead to potentially great strides in self-confidence, self-esteem, excitement, personal growth, and fulfillment. But what happens when not everyone around you is on the same page? Especially when it’s people who care about you most, like your mother, your sister, your brother, your best friends, your significant other or your co-workers?

The 5 people you associate with. 

This made me think of some podcast episodes discussing this. Let’s unpack this, and hopefully, we will be able to figure out how to go after our dreams in a healthy and non-toxic way. You may have heard this one before.

“You are the average of the 5 people you associate the most with.”

This comes from The Happy Doc Daily Podcast Episode 96.  Who you spend the most time with has an impact on your thoughts, feelings, insights, perspectives, and actions. We have a few unique takes on this concept. You can divide those 5 people into two categories: assistance vs. resistance.

Assisting vs. Resisting. 

People who assist, are just that – they assist you in your momentum of your new direction toward your new dreams. Assistance can come in various forms. It could be moral encouragement, educational/experiential assistance to guide,  entertainment assistance to help you decompress, or just financial assistance. This may come from anywhere, anyone, and sometimes from the unlikeliest of places. It could come from new online communities we are creating, family members,  co-workers, children, friends or neighbors. Or it could come from people we have never met –  people we have read about in a book, or who were once interviewed on a podcast.  

On the other end, you can have people in your 5 who are offering you resistance. These tend to be the ones telling you all the reasons why what you are doing won’t work, or you need to just stop and give up. They usually say some skeptical variation of the following:

“You need to be more realistic.”

“This is too risky.”

“What’s wrong with what you are doing now? It’s safe and reliable.”

“Have you lost your mind?”

“What has gotten into you? Are you OK? ”

“Is this a phase?”

“What if this fails?”

“What do you know about…?”

And my all time favorite.

“Aren’t you afraid of what other people will think?”

The moment something does not go the way you planned, they are the first ones to gleefully tell you,

“Told you. You need to just give this up right now. It’s too risky, and not even going anywhere.”

This reminds me of a David Meltzer keynote quote from a recent podcast :

“Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean they give you the best advice.” 

The people who love you and care about you most don’t have your new dream, and are not playing the new game you are playing. They know you from a historical perspective over the last several decades, as the same player who they watched go through the pee wee leagues, junior varsity, varsity, minor leagues, and then the current majors. They don’t realize you just started pee wee leagues in a new position at a totally different sport. They assumed you should just continue to play the same position at the same sport for eternity.

Yet the thought of having to play the same position at the same sport with the same people is sucking the life out of you.

So why are these well meaning family members, friends,  and well wishers part of “The Resistance” instead of assisting you in your new dreams, hopes, ambitions, and aspirations? 

It’s because they don’t know what you want. You do. When you start creating new paths to new places, with new communities, and opportunities, it is exciting and exhilarating in being able to take these actions consistent with your new authentic, aligned, ambitious, and aspirational self.  This is very exciting for you, but to those who have known a historical you it is a big change. Change is scary for anyone, especially with major life transitions.  Seeing a loved one change can be a threat to the status quo and all the hard work it took to get to that comfortable. It can also be a reflection of that friend/family member’s own insecurities, as they could never see themselves pursuing those endeavors. They would be too fearful or just be too uncomfortable with uncertainty, unpredictability, failures, and being imperfect. 

Playing your new game on your terms. 

So what can we learn here? I think there are a few lessons here. The first is only you know what you want, and it is your responsibility to over-communicate your new intentions, aspirations, and goals to your 5 when they have changed. This will be very revealing in how you deal with them going forward. You want to try to amplify the assistant people in your life. So read about people who have done what you have done (they don’t even have to be alive), study them from old interviews on YouTube, listen to them on podcasts, or if you are fortunate to meet up with them, spend time more time with them in real places and spaces.

There is another major lesson here. The resistant people in your life are not necessarily a bad thing. They actually should  sharpen your resolve to test your convictions, consistency, dedication, and drive to achieve your goals. They can be a mirror on you and how badly you really want to play this new game.  They will be the first ones to boo you when you strike out. That can either make you go into a slump and quit or it can make you more motivated to get back in the batter’s box and keep swinging until you get your hitting streak. And hitting that home run will be that much more sweeter because they will be standing and cheering you on. Keep swinging. Keep swinging. Keep swinging. 

You know what the quickest way to get some of these resisters to become assisters is? Results. This is very difficult as results takes years. Years. Years of consistent time and hard work when no one is watching or paying attention. Time and work in the batting cages, studying your swing, posture, form, and mechanics to improve. Eventually, you increase your odds of making contact with the ball. You might get on base with a walk. A base hit. It starts with getting on base first. Small base hits leads to bases being loaded and your at bat to shine. Keep in mind it can take months or even years  to even get that hit.

You aren’t going to hit a walk-off Grand Slam in Game 7 of the World Series when you just told your family you just picked up a bat just yesterday. This is a decades game to get to that level with any new creative endeavor. 

Recreating your inner 5 people dynamics and playing the right position at the game you know were meant to play unequivocally and  unapologetically is how you create a happier, healthier, energized, and impactful Hall of Fame life and career. 

If you want to learn more about these concepts, check out these pod episodes:

The Happy Doc Daily Podcast Episode 96

The Playbook Podcast with David Meltzer:  How To Make A Billion People Happy

 

Neel Desai is a father, family physician, active contributor to The Happy Doc, swinging, striking out, and loving the next at-bat. Follow him on Instagram/Twitter @drneel1973.